If you could live your life again with the knowledge that you have now, would you do anything differently? True happiness lies in knowing that you would not.
A life left unexpressed is no life at all– from Spirited Away
Imagine yourself lying peacefully as the darkness closes in, and you begin to close your eyes as weariness overcomes you. It’s the end of your life, and you begin to relive all those special moments that you’ve experienced, the highs and the lows, the triumphs and the trials– all these flashing memories to comfort you and bring you to your last moment– the moment when you, and all that you are, begin to slip into the void.
I suppose I don’t have the authority to talk about death. I’ve never experienced it, and–probably, unless I’m popular among supernatural beings– neither have you. But even in my short-lived life I know that having regrets cause pain. Regrets that one did not reach out to someone when they should have, regrets about not pursuing a passion, or living a life that left you fulfilled. Over time, these regrets begin to pile up, and when reflection comes easily, as in the end of life, it is difficult not to be sad about missed opportunities for life, love, and happiness.
“If only I had [done this]!”, so goes the common refrain of those living in the past. Yet the only way to stop living in the past is to start living in the present.
When I was a child, I suffered from a mental disorder that robbed me of the ability to speak to other people. I had selective mutism, which I think means that my amygdala remained in constant fight/flight/freeze mode while interacting with other people, particularly in an unstructured environment away from home. Essentially, I was locked in my own head, wanting to make connections but unable to facilitate the actual interaction. Everyday on the playground I would just stand around while everyone was playing and just watch. Even if they invited me in to play, I said I was okay and just lingered.
If you’ve ever seen Studio Ghibli’s Spirited Away you might recognize No-Face as the first picture in this writing. I always used to pity No-Face for being like I used to be. He tries to speak but nothing comes out. He just lingers around the bathhouse and exists as merely a reflection of those he consumes.
I was (both literally and figuratively) living my life from the sidelines. Unable to express myself, I beat myself up every day over my cowardice, over my indecision, over my anxiety– and changed nothing the next. The cycle robbed me of my own dignity, and stole from me any self-respect. But I learned the defining lesson of my life so far through what I had to endure: that a life left unexpressed is no life at all.
And so I dove in. I learned that the only way to be 100% happy was to be 100% vulnerable. I used music to say what words could not. I put myself in embarrassing situations to learn more about myself. I chased after love.I believe it was Nietzsche who described the idea of an ideal life being one that– if you could live it one more time– you wouldn’t change a thing. And in my experience, we ruminate not on what we did do– but rather what we didn’t do.
So I urge you to find who you are and show that to the world. You only have one life– live it.
Maroon 5, Won’t Go Home Without You
“The weight of the things that remained unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday”.
So speak.