Change the Question, Turn the Table.

Editor’s Note: This post originally appeared in October 2015.

“We thought we had all the answers/It was the questions we had wrong”
U2, 11 O’clock Tick Tock

My 4-year old daughter is very shy, but quite cute. I know I’m biased but honestly, she’s pretty darn cute. When we go out to eat or play on the playground, people always ask how she’s doing or say they like her dress. She hates it. She buries her face in my thigh and won’t turn around until they leave.

I keep telling her to simply answer quickly, and then ask the same question in return. If they ask how her day is going, just ask that right back. Turn the table. When she’s done that, it’s worked well—and frankly we’ve learned a lot and heard some interesting responses to “Where did you get that dress,” or “what did you have for breakfast?”

How does this relate to college admission? Because fundamentally we learn through curiosity and listening, thus my advice to you is to keep asking questions. Just be sure they’re the right ones.

Those Six Little Words….

If you are a junior or a senior in high school, the six words you likely dread hearing are: “Where are you going to college?” (I’m sure “I am breaking up with you” is unwelcome as well, but let’s stick with college advice for today.) The simple question of “where are you going” brings up anxiety and uncertainty around where to apply and what you really want to study. Not to mention the concern of not getting into a particular school. Fielding these questions from friends is tolerable, but when you’re asked the same question by extended family at every holiday dinner, it can become….well… annoying.

So instead of creating a prerecorded response on your phone or faking a coughing fit to leave the room when asked “where,” I suggest you start by first asking yourself, “why am I going to college?” Unfortunately, too few students ask and answer this question. And if you go to a college preparatory school or are in a college prep curriculum, it’s rarely asked, because going to college is a foregone conclusion. But I believe answering “why” first is critical because it forces you to answer other questions: Why should I bother spending the time and money? What do I want the experience to look like? What do I hope to happen after I graduate?

Why Leads to Where

Why will then lead you to where. “I’m looking at this university because they offer this major, or because I can build a strong network there, or the setting makes it easy for me to do xyz while on campus.” Listen, I don’t mean to say that by answering “why” you won’t still be annoyed when crazy Uncle Tony asks “where” four times during Thanksgiving dinner, but answering with your “why” provides a way for you to change and improve the conversation.

So when he asks you “where,” give him your “why” and then lead into your thoughtful “wheres.” Then, as I tell my daughter, turn the table. Ask him where he went and why. And looking back if he’d make the same choice now knowing what he does at this point. Then you can go back to eating your dinner and just listen and learn.